1.01: Pilot

House: "Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."

House: "Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair."
Patient: "What?!"
House: "You're orange, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention."

1.03: Occam's Razor

House: "How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home."
Cuddy: "No you couldn't."
House: "Nice."

1.08: Poison

Patient's Mother: "Who are you?"
House: "I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification. It's a beautiful thing."

House: "I assume 'minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying 'no chance in hell.'"
Chase: "Actually, I'm Australian."
House: "You put the Queen on your money, you're British."

House: "I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce."

1.09: DNR

House: "Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me,' though, if you jumble it up."

House: "That paralysis thing. Guy can't walk for two years, nobody knows why. It seems mildly interesting."
Cuddy: "Forget his paralysis."
House: "Tell that to the rest of his bowling team."

Foreman: "You assaulted that man!"
House: "Fine. I'll never do it again."
Foreman: "Yes you will."
House: "All the more reason this debate is pointless."

1.11: Detox

House: "You always trust me. It's a big mistake."

Cuddy: "You know, there are other ways to manage pain."
House: "Like what? Laughter? Meditation? You got a guy that can fix my third chakra?"

1.12: Sports Medicine

Cameron: "If it's cancer, he can't pitch again. If this was a regular guy who broke his arm lifting a box you'd pack him up and send him home."
House: "My God, you're right. I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in, we're on it like stink on cheese."

House: "Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they're trading brains."

1.13: Cursed

Chase: "How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?"
House: "I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life."

Cuddy: "Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing..."
House: "Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia..noo-mania...?"

1.14: Control

Wilson: "She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one."
House: "You get that often? Women who'd rather die than get naked with you?"

Wilson: "And a very bad omen for you. There's not much money in curing African sleeping sickness."
House: "No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys choirs, those are bad omens. This is much more mundane... a billionaire who wants to get laid."

House: "She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Had three assistants and fifteen VPs check out who should be treating her. Who the man? I the man. I always suspected."

Cuddy: "I need you to wear your lab coat."
House: "I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age."

House: "Haven't done the MUGA."
Wilson: "Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?"
House: "Got my aura read today. Said someone close to me had a broken heart."

1.15: Mob Rules

Bill: "His name's Joey. He's my only brother."
House: "He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him. We'll use the real medicine."

House: [to Cuddy] "Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. Conjugal visit... that's her new fantasy."

Chase: "You can trust me."
House: "The problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks, you've been a big help."

House: "He's a 30-year old mobster. He doesn't have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him."

House: "Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes awhile.

1.16: Heavy

Wilson: "The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor's extremely large. At least thirty pounds."
House: "It's actually a personal record for this clinic."

Patient: "I'll have a huge scar. I won't be able to wear a bikini."
House: "You wear a bikini now?"
Patient: "Yeah, you have a problem with that?"
House: "No, but I've never gone swimming with you."

House: "Have you ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?"

1.17: Role Model

Cuddy: "In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him."
House: "Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved."

Chase: "House never gives speeches."
House: "But when I really believe in something, gosh dang it, I gotta chance to make a difference here."

House: "By rush, I meant fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right?

House: "Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree."

House: "You are the most naive atheist I've ever met."

1.18: Babies and Bathwater

House: "Sorry. Up late. Internet porn."
Chase: "Why aren't you in your office?"
House: "There's a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off."

House: "Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you, she's only got thighs for me."

House: "She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink."

1.19: Kids

Cuddy: "Dr. House! Need you here."
House: "No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."

Cuddy: "You. In the lobby. Now."
House: "I hurt my leg. I have a note."

Cuddy: "I'm working. I got hot. Stop acting like a thirteen year old."
House: "Sorry. It's just you don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine."

1.20: Love Hurts

Foreman: "Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently."
House: "Way ahead of you. I got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are going to get all the way down."

House: "Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check."

House: "Ramona, you naughty girl. Either you've got yourself an 18-year old boyfriend or an 80-year old with little blue pills."

1.21: Three Stories

House: "The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for."

Cuddy: "Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture."
House: "You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days."

House: "On average, drug addicts are stupid."

1.22: Honeymoon

Cameron: "Previous tests revealed nothing that could've caused the abdominal pain or the mood swings."
House: "Then we're done. Ball game? Zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys."

House: [to Mark] "We should do things. Throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff."