2.01: Acceptance

Stacy: "If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?"
House: "I don't want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine, it's a really big hospital."

House: "What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?"

House: "Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She's trying to impress her new sex-retary."

2.02: Autopsy

House: "Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch."

Chase: "If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex."
House: "Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth."

House: [to Cuddy] "Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"

2.03: Humpty Dumpty

House: "Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."

House: "I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."

House: [to Cuddy] "If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit."

2.04: TB Or Not TB

House: "Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail."

House: "You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa... can't think of any others. They all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it's crazy."

2.05: Daddy's Boy

Cameron: "Who was that?"
House: "Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?"

Foreman: "You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis."
House: "Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right."

2.06: Spin

House: "You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor."

House: "What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?"

2.07: Hunting

House: "Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite."

2.08: The Mistake

House: "One caveat. I've now moved past threesomes, I'm into foursomes."

Stacy: "Where's Chase?"
House: "He's too busy to service you until after work. I've got a few minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, 'What'll we do with the time left over?'"

2.09: Deception

House: "What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know."

Foreman: "She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings."
House: "I was there and I have a nine-to-three job."

House: "Sorry, I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head."

2.10: Failure to Communicate

Wilson: "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?"
House: "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."

Chase: "We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine."
House: "I teach you to lie, cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line?"

2.11: Need to Know

House: [to Wilson] "Wow. It's a big jump from 'Infidelity is wrong' to 'Do her.'"

House: "Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills."

2.12: Distractions

Cameron: "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"
House: "I wish."

Doctor: "You can't test anything on an abnormal brain."
House: "That's so close-minded, He's not 'abnormal.' He's special."

Cameron: "What are you looking for?"
House: "Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment."

2.13: Skin Deep

House: "Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool."

Wilson: "How'd you get here?"
House: "By osmosis."

2.14: Sex Kills

House: "Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win."

Foreman: "His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left."
House: "Cool."

2.15: Clueless

House: [to Wilson] "Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized."

House: "Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... sklungs?"

House: "Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Think of all the places I can make Foreman search."

2.16: Safe

House: "Only one way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl."

House: "Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble."

2.17: All In

House: [to Chase] "Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd come back for seconds. I figure after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night."

House: "No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage."

House: "The parents are mad because their kid is dying. It's understandable. If he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore."

2.18: Sleeping Dogs Lie

House: "Gotta hand it to Foreman, though. He knew you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both."

House: "I'm a night owl. Wilson's an early bird. We're different species."

2.19: House vs God

House: "No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."

House: "It's either that or I start going to church every Sunday. And that'd mess with my bowling league."

House: [to Wilson] "Cuddy said you should do it. You've got a gift. People thank you for telling them they're going to die."

2.20: Euphoria Part 1

House: "Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far."

House: "Everybody's great when they're half-dead."

2.21: Euphoria Part 2

Wilson: "You're accessing a webcam?"
House: "Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?"

House: "You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day."

2.22: Forever

House: "Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks."

House: "Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER."

House: "I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?"

Patient: "I could've stopped. I didn't have to listen to those voices."
House: "Spoken like a true sane person."

2.23: Who's Your Daddy

House: "I'm a really good secret keeper. I've never told anybody Wilson wets his bed."

House: "Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet..."

2.24: No Reason

House: "Where are you going?"
Foreman: "You're an ass."
House: "I know. Where are you going?"

House: "I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital."

Patient: "I don't want to hear semantics."
House: "You anti-semantic bastard."