3.01: Meaning

House: "Oh, I stuck that primo! How rad am I?"

Cuddy: "Why did you?"
House: "Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?"

Cameron: "You're lucky he didn't die."
House: "I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die."

3.02: Cane and Able

House: "Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head."

House: "Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics."

House: "The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It's right there in the name."

House: "She was being metaphorical. She was trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking."

3.03: Informed Consent

House: "Take this four times a day. And stay off airplanes. They're flying cesspools."

House: "I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him, you're mad."

House: "I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made."

3.04: Lines in the Sand

Foreman: "I had a date last night. She screamed, too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?"
House: "Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!"

House: "Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."

House: "After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up."
Cuddy: "I'm ovulating. Let's go."
House: "The frisky, it went away."

3.05: Fools for Love

House: "Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots."

House: "You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty."

House: "Twenty-year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often."

3.06: Que Sera Sera

House: "Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property."

House: "It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?"

3.07: Son of Coma Guy

House: "Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."

House: "There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry."

House: "Quick, what's the status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron."

House: "Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he'll never have to die."

3.08: Whac-A-Mole

Cameron: "You okay?"
House: "Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football."

House: [to Cuddy] "Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay."

3.09: Finding Judas

House: "If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills."

House: "This thing won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest."

3.10: Merry Little Christmas

Tritter: "Merry Christmas."
House: "Happy go to hell."

House: "Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues?"

House: "I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."

3.11: Words and Deeds

House: "If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R & D."

House: "When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."

House: "Thanks, I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now."

House: "I told you never to call me when I'm on trial."

3.12: Needle in a Haystack

House: "The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief."

House: "Hey, you can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair."

House: "You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."

3.13: One Day, One Room

Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."

House: "You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?"

House: "If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down."

3.14: Insensitive

House: [to Cuddy] "Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."

House: [to Cuddy] "Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra!"

House: "I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous."

3.15: Half Wit

House: "Just because it's inexplicted doesn't mean it's inexplicable."

House: "Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?"

House: [to Chase] "If you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything you can't finish."

3.16: Top Secret

House: "I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy."

House: "Better be careful. I have a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it."

3.17: Fetal Position

House: "Personally, I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty."

House: "No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."

House: "Even fetuses lie."

3.18: Airborne

House: [to Cuddy] "It may have been short, but it had girth."

House: "Good news is all the pilots are red meat men. Although I was kinda looking forward to landing this puppy myself."

House: "Happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women. Now, it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?"

3.19: Act Your Age

House: "Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186."

House: "I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me, 'Not twenty-five.'"

House: [to Cuddy] "Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?"

House: "Never is just reven spelled backwards."

3.20: House Training

House: "First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.'"

House: "Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult."

3.21: Family

House: "The only value of that trust is that you can use it to manipulate them."

House: [to Foreman] "Ha! Nothing like a dead patient to send you back to your choir boy roots."

House: "That was awesome! I gotta start pretending to care."

3.22: Resignation

House: "Personally, I can't believe I had the same three employees for three years."

Wilson: "Oh God, she's 26."
House: "But with the wisdom of a much younger woman."

House: "He can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can he, Foreman?"

3.23: The Jerk

House: [to Cuddy] "You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn on."

House: "The kid's not a cliché. Anybody can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat."

House: [to Patient] "Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours."

3.24: Human Error

House: "I'm world famous now. Press won't leave me alone."

House: [to Cuddy] "Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?"

House: "The patient's husband prefers her not dead."

House: "How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped?"