4.01: Alone

Cuddy: "Where did you come from?"
House: "Apes, if you believe the Democrats."

House: "I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head."

House: "Interview? You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?"

House: "Are you a fan of symmetry?"
Doctor: "Sure."
House: "Weird, because your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts."

House: "By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup."

4.02: The Right Stuff

Patient: "I'm a Captain in the Air Force, about to start a new assignment. NASA's astronaut training program."
House: "I discovered salt and created FM radio."

House: "Stop it! This argument's distracting every male and lesbian here."

House: "Paging me during Judge Judy... not a good way to win my affections."

House: "Luckily violence isn't the last resort. Extortion is."

House: "Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn't be religious people."

House: "It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude. She'll be fine. It is a myth, isn't it? Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind."

House: "The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it."

House: "I don't know who's been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but hopefully they're already fired."

4.03: 97 Seconds

House: "If your organs dangle, you're the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the yanks."

House: [to Cuddy] "I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen that closely."

House: "I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin... that guy never had a chance."

House: "Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one, just one truck comes and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled."

House: [to Amber] "Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I'd never hear the end of it."

4.04: Guardian Angels

House: "I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits."

House: "Don't think of it as digging up a body. Think of it as keeping another one from getting buried."

Cuddy: "The doctor's lounge is covered in mud."
House: "Thirteen and Manipulative Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jello."

House: "Does my breath smell bated to you?"

House: "The only way he could turn any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants."

4.05: Mirror Mirror

House: "So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?"

House: "Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn't thinking straight."

House: "Someone's gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That's how I stay so happy."

House: "Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals and immune system's the police. Seriously Grumpy, get up here, it'll make us both happy."

House: "So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication."

4.06: Whatever It Takes

House: "Nothing says thanks for saving my life like a test drive in a car that accelerates as fast as the Space Shuttle."

House: "If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they'd better be working their way through college."

House: "My malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies."

House: "Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse's lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred ridiculous."

House: [to Wilson] "You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but..."

House: "My friends call me 'The Cane', even before I messed up my leg."

4.07: Ugly

House: "Can I stare at your wardrobe and question your ass?"

House: "My eyes look better in rooms with summer colors."

House: "I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams."

House: "If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, and the wrong profession, and the wrong species. Treat this patient just like he's just another really, really, ugly kid."

House: "Just a warning. If we have to start getting 'consent' every time we do a procedure, soon it'll be 'informed consent' they'll want."

House: "You think your dad wants to kill you because you're so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth."

4.08: You Don't Want to Know

House: "You have to leave work by 6 p.m., but you make time for man dates?"

House: "I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy."

House: "Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but that's not going to help with this particular trick..."

House: [to Cuddy] "Skirt that tight, you got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD."

House: "I noticed a trend. If no one does anything, sick people often get sicker."

House: "You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds."

4.09: Games

House: "There's something freeing about being a loser, isn't there?"

House: "Doctor Cuddy! The face that launched a thousand long faces."

House: "Pretty sure there's no irony-body connection. But it'd be ironic if there was."

House: "I've heard not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV."

4.10: It's a Wonderful Lie

House: "Who told you it'd be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?"

House: "He lied. Homie knows better, Hymie doesn't care, and Huntington's would have done a better job."
Foreman: "Why would you..."
House: "Because I got sued when I called you Honeybuns."

House: "This is going to be difficult. I know almost nothing of alien physiology."

House: "Lies are like children. They're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them."

House: "The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year."

House: "Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person. And nothing pisses a person off more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole."

House: "I remembered I'm not a Satanist. I'm a druid."

4.11: Frozen

House: "Slippery slope. Today we withhold porn, tomorrow it's clean bandages."

House: "I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many reasons."

House: "Did they teach that before or after the class on fondling your inner child?"

House: "Your theory is I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that's what love is, I don't want anything to do with it."

4.12: Don't Ever Change

House: [to Wilson] "You don't like strong, you don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying, is she?"

Amber: "And I call you Greg because we are now social equals."
House: "And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am."

House: [to Wilson] "This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality! You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves... Oh my God. You're sleeping with me."

4.13: No More Mr. Nice Guy

House: [to Chase] "I didn't invite you to be nice. I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves."

Wilson: [to Amber] "No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation. Swap your lubricant with super glue."
House: "The man knows me."

House: "Thank you for saving me from being righteoused to death."

Amber: [to Wilson] "Have fun on your play date. You've got mommy's number, right?"
House: "Daddy needs a drink."

Cuddy: "A disturbingly large proportion of your comments are either racist or sexist."
House: "That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute ...would be an example of that."

House: "I like Cuddy. Or parts of her."

House: "When you think about it, the more I mock you the more it shows I have respect for you."
Foreman: "Or you made up that b.s. because you like humiliating me."
House: "Wouldn't rule that out completely."

House: "Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail."

House: "It's a pretty simple string of logic, actually. You make people miserable, then they do what you want them to do, because then the misery goes away."

House: "So, syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm gonna be even more attractive to the ladies."

4.14: Living the Dream

House: "I kidnapped you and you're surprised that I lied to you?"

Foreman: "You kidnapped him?"
House: "It's sweet that I haven't lost the ability to surprise you."

House: [to Cameron] "I let the crap pile up, then I see which team member is the most self-flagellating; breaks down and clears up the mess. The surprise was it turned out to be you... Again. You weren't even registered as a competitor."

House: "Confirmation is for wimps and alter boys."

House: [to Wilson] "Pack your manhood on ice; maybe the hospital can re-attach it."

House: "This is a whole new experience in super hi-def. I had no idea Marie wore an under wire."

House: "As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is, like... Can't think of any."

4.15: House's Head

House: "I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got MADD!"

House: "I need time for my brain to transition so I can embrace my inner monkey."

Patient: "You're kidding, right?"
House: "If I was kidding, I'd be dressed like you."

Cameron: "You're staying the night. We need to monitor your brain for swelling."
House: "How much bigger could it get?"

Cuddy: "You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?"
House: "Don't blame me, blame my gender."

Wilson: "What are you running away from?"
House: "When I'm drinking without you, what am I running away from? Hmmm, one of those imponderables."

House: "The other nurse always used to tuck me in."
Cuddy: "I'll be on the couch ...with a shotgun on my lap."

4.16: Wilson's Heart

Taub: "I need to know if there's anything medically relevant that you couldn't share publicly?"
House: "Is this a philanderer's anonymous intervention?"

House: "An incredibly rare neurological symptom is boring? Am I in someone else's hallucination?"

Doctor: "Her heart won't stop racing, no idea what's causing it."
House: "Sure it wasn't the bus that landed on her?"

Amber: "Self-pity isn't like you."
House: "No, well, I'm branching out from self-loathing and self-destruction."

House: "I had a heart attack this morning, can't do any more drugs till lunch."

House: "A blow-up doll would be more useful. And yes, that's the first time I've ever implied something negative about a blow-up doll."

Thirteen: "Maybe it's an allergic reaction to the interferon."
House: "Yes, the symptom that I saw on the bus was a rare interferon allergy that flares up two days before you take it."

Kutner: "What did House have to say?"
Thirteen: "He told me I was raised by wolves and that's why I use the same hand for my fork and knife."

Wilson: "Why aren't you angry?"
Amber: "That's not the last feeling I want to experience."